I haven’t written in a while. Life, as it often seems to get, has been hectic. And, my mind and thoughts have been hectic along with it. But, yesterday, for the first time in a long while, things didn’t feel so hectic. It was just me and Drew all day. Some days I look at the span between when Ben leaves for work and when he’ll be home (or some other amazing caregiver will arrive for a few hours with Drew) and feel overwhelmed by how we’ll fill it. Of course, we always fill it. We play, we hug, we nurse, we change dipeys (not a typo–that’s what we call them 🙂 ), we go out to a class, we go for walks, and the days just go. But, when the whole thing is in front of us, my hectic mind tends to worry. It craves business and I begin to feel anxious if I can’t deliver.
But, yesterday, something was different. Due to some last minute shifts, Drew and I had the whole day. And, for the first time in a while, we had NO plans. Nowhere we needed to be, nothing we needed to do. I wasn’t craving business. I was craving connection. When Drew was awake, I made a conscious effort to remain present with him as much as I could. I studied his face while he played, the texture of his fuzzy hair under my fingers, the feeling of his sweet gummy kisses. When he napped, I turned my full attention to what I needed to do for me. I got in some quality work on the studio and around the house. When he was awake, I was with him. Really with him.
As the day went on, my heart began to feel fuller than it’s ever felt. I was so filled with love. Love for my baby. Love for my life. Love for motherhood. Love for the gift of a day to just be.
Motherhood is so many things. It is beautiful, rewarding, hard, frustrating, exhausting, uplifting….the list goes on and on. It is rarely the same from one day to the next (but, really what is?). Making the conscious effort to stay present yesterday helped me to feel grateful for it all. To really see my incredible son. To let myself feel all the emotion without fear. To not worry about how we were filling our time, but instead to just be where we were and let it unfold. To feel confident and proud of myself as mother. And, perhaps most importantly, to feel free. Free to let this one day be just this one day without bearing on tomorrow or the following day. It was enough just to have the moment. It was, in one word, powerful.