Trying Again

Yesterday, I was teaching the beautiful Noon Open Flow and I found myself focusing on taking things one moment at a time. As we prepared for hanumanasana, I guided students to be where they were, to trust their bodies, to recognize that where their bodies were on this particular day may be different from where they were on another day and to stay with the sensations of each stage of the pose in order to find their edge and know if and when they needed to back away. ¬†After completing one side, we had a moment of pause–inhaling whatever was to come on the second side and exhaling whatever happened on the first. We did this to make space for the new moment, the new experience, to allow for awareness and respect for whatever might appear on the second side. ¬†Then we moved forward.

After class, something profound hit me. I was teaching this lesson without following it myself. You see, I’m living my own version of trying on the second side. Today, after months of pills, shots, bloodwork, ultrasounds, waiting, anxiety, insecurity, excitement, happiness, anticipation, and much, much more, Ben and I will drive to the Fertility Center, the same one we drove to nearly two years ago, to undergo a procedure that is both so familiar and so unknown. We’re going to transfer our last frozen embryo into my ready and waiting uterus. My body has done this before. And, my mind has done this before. We’ve had both heartbreaking and heartwarming outcomes. We’ve had loss and we’ve experienced pregnancy and parenting of the most incredible little boy.

This cycle has been filled with hiccups, from not realizing we’d scheduled some important things during very inconvenient times, to allergic reactions to meds that worked last time, forcing us to switch to some that have been suggested are less effective, to finally finding out that despite setting up this specific schedule, our Dr., the one who has performed all of our transfers and has been there for us through the ups and downs will unexpectedly be away, and even now, hours before the transfer, we have no idea who will be doing it.

I have been superstitious. I have been anxious. I have been concerned that this round is SO much different from the others, before we had Drew and then the one that worked blessing us with Drew. And then (with the help of a very wise mama), I realized, this is my second side. It is going to feel different than the first. It is a different moment. It will have its own story, informed by the first, but not defined by it. Just as, should this work, this child will be different from Drew, with its own personality and needs. Recognizing this empowers me to be with this experience, to see what comes up, whether difficult or easy, as simply for right now. It is not as heavy with the weight of the past. It is freeing.

Today, I will try again. I will do my best to remain open and mindful to what will be with the second side.

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