Recalibration

For the last few weeks (really months) I’ve been feeling the need to recalibrate.  The weight of my needs and those around me have changed and yet I couldn’t figure out how to shift the balance of my time and energy to meet them. As a consequence, I found myself often feeling frustrated, angry, and pessimistic–feelings that don’t translate into a wonderful attitude. I’ve been trying to watch these feelings, have compassion for myself and those at which these feelings would sometimes be aimed at, but in truth, often came up short. I just kept feeling like I didn’t have enough: enough time, enough energy, enough knowledge, enough brain capacity to handle everything that needed handling, enough push to get there (wherever “there” is), enough support. I simply could not get to a place of enough. Have you ever felt that way?

I’ve started and deleted this next paragraph at least three times already. I keep wanting to start writing about how I am now on the other side, some “aha” moment I had where things shifted and my vision became 20/20. The thing is, that’s not what happened. Over time, small shifts have happened. There are moments of clarity and moments of blind fog. The world didn’t exactly slow down so that I could catch up. It turns out that when you own your own business, are the mom of a ridiculously smart, active, headstrong toddler, and the wife of a brilliant, incredibly supportive but busy and hardworking husband, life just doesn’t slow down. What I AM doing is letting go, bit by bit, of my resistance to this crazy time and energy whirlwind that is my life right now.  For a while there, I felt a bit stuck and constrained by the incongruity between everything I felt I should be doing and everything I was able to do. Now, I am looking closely at that incongruity and recalibrating the scale so that they’re a little less uneven.

I first started teaching yoga and then opened Allay because I wanted to help men and women struggling with the demands of home, work, and life in general develop tools for dealing with all of the imbalance. Ironically, I was/am the one deeply in need of these tools. And, I have to let myself build them. I was treating the studio and my role in it as simply work and trying to deal with the competing demands of the workplace and my role as primary caregiver at home. But, then I realized, that’s not what Allay is about. So many people have described Allay as their yoga home. It makes me fill with love and gratitude when they do. Now I realize, how lucky am I? Allay is MY yoga home too. And Drew’s. Sometimes his and my needs will not be in line with those of the studio. And, we’ll have to address those each time they come up, as all parents do. But, there are so many ways that Allay can OPEN doors for us to build community, get support when we need it, find more meaningful and playful time together, and develop the tools we need to thrive instead of simply survive. As a business owner, I’ve striven to be flexible to meet all of our students where they are: shareable passes that never expire, keeping all classes drop-in and most available with any package or membership. Now I need to extend that flexibility to myself. The truth is Allay and I are one. And, that makes me proud. and so grateful. And, so relieved because I can stop searching. There are no magical answers outside of me and my life, they are within. All of the tools I need to tweak and reset my life scale are here. Life is and I suspect will always be shifting and consequently, in need of a little recalibration. It turns out, the tools are at my fingertips. And, that is enough.

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