I am so grateful for you, our amazing community for your love and support both at and outside of the studio. It has been a journey. I tried to put an adjective in there, but couldn’t find the right one, because it was so many things. And, isn’t that simply what a journey is? A process of so many things connected together to form an experience.
Yesterday, after an interesting two week wait, I had my beta. I wasn’t surprised to get the results, as I had been testing at home since only a few days after the transfer. I am not pregnant. I began to type “the results were negative.” But, while I’m not pregnant, the outcome is actually, not negative.
And, I’m ok. As these two weeks moved forward, and I continued to get “negative” test results, I began to feel something I did not expect to feel, given those results: peace. While one one hand, my tests always indicated that my body responded beautifully to the medicines necessary for a frozen embryo transfer, I never, physically felt quite right. I had difficult reactions to many of the shots (so much so that they had to take me off one of them). I had a lot of mental and physical resistance to the fragility going through a process like this creates. As the cycle moved forward, and especially throughout these last two weeks, I began to feel my yearning, my desires shift.
Instead of focusing on what could be, I wanted to be simply where I was. I am a planner, a doer–I do what it takes. I am often looking toward the future (as hard as I work to be in the present). But, as this cycle went on, I began to feel, deep within my bones, a profound happiness and satisfaction with how things are RIGHT NOW.
I needed to go back, to try. I don’t know if I would have felt differently if we had waited. Or, if the outcome would have been different, had we waited. But, it doesn’t matter. Being who I am, I needed to try. I was ready. Ben and I had a number of reasons for why the timing was right. If we were going to do it, we were going to do it. It is a difficult thing to explain, if you’ve never had an embryo waiting on ice :). And, we didn’t know how long it would take. It took us three years to have Drew.
Given the place from which I started, I didn’t expect to feel as I do as I come to the finish. I no longer feel the drive to do whatever it takes. I feel happy and content to be done, to let my body simply be, to be physically and mentally able to be with my son 100% instead of slightly less, a natural consequence of the fertility (and pregnancy and baby!) process. It feels as though my life, my future, just blew wide open. I haven’t known a world without trying to get pregnant, pregnancy, or new baby for over four years. Knowing that we had one frozen embryo remaining, we always knew we’d go back. And, given what we had already been through, we had assumed we could be looking at another few years of unknowns, possibly with much pain and loss. I wanted this peace, but I didn’t think it was possible for me until we that test said “positive.”
Yet, here it is. My result is positive. I’m not pregnant. But, I feel at peace. And, I have an incredible, full family with which to share it. How lucky am I?